Vent of Hearing

Fire! Fire! Panic!

With a fire strike imminent, the British media have been doing their typical hype thing. Here is a list of things you should and shouldn't be doing during the strike.

• don't smoke inside a building
• turn off all your computers
• don't fight fire with fire
• don't make toast
• [cats] don't get stuck up a tree
• don't drive to close to the car in front
• don't drive too fast
• don't do anything I wouldn't do
• don't drink tea
• do not set light to anything
• do not commit arson
• try to avoid causing chaos
• don't make a terrorist attack
• make oven chips or go to the chippy
• avoid places where fat could burn
• don't listen to the prodigy
• don't believe Billy Joel (he did start the fire)
• don't use fan heaters that might catch fire
• do ensure emergency exists are kept clear
• do report any damaged fire protection equipment
• don't set fire to your pants, especially the ones that say "Keep away from naked flame"
• sofa's might be smoke resistant, but don't test them, okay
• don't commit arson(repeat) cos the army will come and although the Green Goddesses are slow, they will have guns
• avoid lightning
• do wear asbestos
• don't fill you car with petrol whilst smoking a fag and chatting on your mobile phone
• Avoid starting the Great Fire of London
• if you can smell gas, don't switch on the light
• don't marry a homicidal maniac who'll poor petrol all over your house, and then knock a lit match onto it
• don't let your daughter marry a homicidal maniac who'll try to bump you off by stealing into your house at night, removing the battery from your smoke alarm, and then lighting a stove
• ensure you live near a dying fireman who'll think nothing of breaking a strike and foolishly rescue you because he only has six weeks to live

These are all things you shouldn't be doing anyway (apart from the ones I've completely made up or stolen from soap operas). Carry on as normal people. If you are sensible, you are unlikely to get into any trouble. We've been told to turn off all computer equipment at work when unattended. Now, I have seen a computer monitor burst into flames but that was because it had been unused for four years and had been sitting in a loft gathering dust. All the work's computers are less than two years old, and have probably been on all that time (apart from the NT servers which have crashed a number of times).