HOWTO: Walk to the shops with more than one small child
Thursday, March 10th, 2005
The following is a guide for getting to the shops with children. Your partner is out, asleep or just plain lazy and you fancy a packet of crisps, a can of Coke or you’ve run out of milk for the coffee you desperately need to survive another day with the loves of your live, your children.
1) Don’t expect it to be a quick experience. Typically a trip to a shop that would take 5 minutes childless will take upwards of an hour.
2) Prepare at least an hour in advance before the time you want to leave for the shop. If you expect to be able to leave the house in 5 minutes you will fail.
3) Leaving time can be substantially reduced if you offer bribes of the sweet and comic variety. However, you are still looking at half an hour before leaving.
4) Isolate each child in turn and ask them to put on hat, coat, shoes, gloves and scarf (clothing required will obviouslly depend on the weather). Depending on age and temperament, the child will be able to achieve this to some level of competence. Aid the child with any remaining items of clothing that need to be worm. Wrestle with child any items of clothing they don’t want to wear. If you only have one child, well done, you are ready to leave (or so you think!).
5) Repeat the above for the second child. Warning, there is a time limit to this step. If you take too long the first child will have removed all the clothing you spent ten minutes putting on and you will have to start again. There is some debate as to whether to get the more compliant child ready first or second. If first, you have more time for the second child. However, even the most compliant child will get bored in about two minutes, so it is best to get the harder child done first and then rush the easier child through asap.
6) If you have more than two children, never leave the house.
7) It is pointless actually leaving the house at this point, but you must. However, approximately ten seconds after leaving the house, one or both children will need to go to the toilet and you will have to go back inside and start over again.
You should have experienced no more than three screaming fits or paddies by this point. If you have it is best to call it a day and do some internet shopping instead. It will come quicker, believe me.
9) You should remember to prepare yourself too. The worst possible mistake to make is to forget your keys. Then you have two annoyed children locked out of your house. Denied access to the TV and Spongebob Squarepants by a locked door. Another mistake is to forget money or cards. It is probably an idea to check that the shop you want to go to is open. Some shops have the audacity to close for lunch, Sunday or not open at the unearthly hour that your children wake up.
10) It is a very bad idea to let the children take toys with them. Small toys will be lost on route or in the shop. Drains are attractive to toys. Large toys such as a pram or a large cuddly bear have two negative effects. They will slow down the child; even slower than their normal walking pace. That, or you will also end up carrying them yourself.
11) Don’t let the child take their own method of transport. A bike or toy car is a serious pavement hazard, for the child, for you and for any other pedestrians. Old age pensioners are a particular target.
12) If you have to cross a road, pray to whatever deity you worship and if you don’t worship anyone, think about starting your own cult. Seriously, hold on tight to your children. Car drivers are dangerous, BMW drivers more so and 4×4 drivers are very dangerous indeed and have the added disadvantage of being so high up that they can’t see small children.
13) If you have managed to get any distance down the road, you will start to hear an odd whining noise, maybe multiple whining noises. Ignore it. It will be one or both children saying, and I quote “My legs hurt”. It is a simple physical rule that whilst a child can run around for hours and hours at about 30 miles an hour in the house; get them on a pavement going somewhere specific and they will start to break down. They will want picking up and carrying. Avoid this as much as possible. If one wants picking up, the other will too. It is very hard to carry two children at once. Perhaps one on the shoulders and one in the arms, but you then run the risk of falling over.
14) If, by some miracle, you make it to the shops, well done. Congratulations. That was the easy part.
Dealing with two children in a shop is a subject for another day.